Forgiveness

About a week ago, I accidentally started following the story of the South Carolina governor's affair. (Seriously -- I am apparently so technologically inept that I was trying to click on a link for another news story and ended up at that one.) Now, I have stated on several occasions that I am opposed to reading news that is pure gossip because, even if the things being said are true, I would not want them published about me unless they serve a higher purpose, and so I should not support them when they are published about others. I can understand that the people of South Carolina need to know their governor was having an affair; I cannot understand why they need to read his letters to his mistress. Unfortunately, I was halfway through this article before I realized that it was not the article I had intended to read, and my heart broke as I read his statements to his mistress...so, naturally, I did the noble thing and continued reading the article. (This blog is nothing if not honest.) After I finished reading the whole article, felt really sick to my stomach, and finally decided I was done with this story and would be giving no more attention to this type of news, I saw a link to a statement from his wife. And of course, I read that too.

Now, thankfully, God redeems mistakes. As I read this woman's statement, I was completely surprised because it was not the typical wife-of-a-politician statement. Heck, it was not a typical statement for anyone. She kept using this word, "repent." I thought, "Hey, I know that word, but I do not usually see it on CNN.com!" I read on and she talked about forgiveness. I was intrigued. And then I read her statement, "We have a good Lord in this world." And I was floored. First, that this woman was giving a testimony of how to deal with an affair as a Christian on CNN.com; second, that she was willing to affirm to the world the goodness of God and her willingness to trust him while it seemed like the world was collapsing around her. I mean, literally, thousands of people (myself included) were reading the gory details of her husband's infidelity as she was speaking. And yet the message she gave was one in which she maintained a firm conviction in the wrongness of sin and an equally firm hope in the goodness of God. She hoped for repentance, she held out a willingness to forgive, and she offered these intimate hopes to a journalist who was shoving a microphone in her face at a time when any sane person in her position would want nothing to do with the media.

Today, the governor's wife issued a second, longer statement. In it, she clearly outlined a biblical view of sin, repentance, and reconciliation. She did not say to the world that "submission" or "forgiveness" means burying your head in the sand about wrongdoing, or being a doormat; instead, she said, "There is no question that Mark's behavior is inexcusable. Actions have consequences and he will be dealing with those consequences for a long while. Trust has been broken and will need to be rebuilt. " While acknowledging the consequences of sin, however, she did not stop there. The statement went on:

"The real issue now is one of forgiveness. I am willing to forgive Mark for his actions. We have been deeply disappointed in and even angry at Mark. The Bible says, 'In your anger do not sin.' (Psalm 4:4) In this situation, this speaks to the essence of forgiveness and the critical need to channel one's energy into positive steps that uphold the dignity of marriage and the family, and lead to reconciliation over time. My forgiveness is essential for us both to move on with our lives, with peace, in whatever direction that may take us.

"Desmond Tutu said 'forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew.' Forgiveness opens the door for Mark to begin to work privately, humbly and respectfully toward reconciliation with me. However, to achieve true reconciliation will take time, involve repentance, and will not be easy."

As I read her words, I was challenged by her view of forgiveness. So often, I think (and I think most of us thing) of forgiveness as something that happens after -- after the wrongdoer has apologized, after the hurt has subsided, after many years, maybe not until after the victim has taken revenge on the perpetrator. Maybe never. But at least in this statement, Jenny Sanford seems to be offering forgiveness before: before there has been reconciliation, before her husband has moved home, before they have had time to fully process. This is not a forgiveness that is earned. It is a forgiveness that is a gift. Furthermore, it is a gift that, as she claims through the words of Desmond Tutu, is necessary to restore relationship.

While I was marveling at the beauty and grace of her statement, I scrolled down to read the comments from other readers. They were overwhelmingly negative and angry: some at her husband, some at CNN for publishing such gossipy journalism, but most actually at her. Their reasons for anger varied -- her "weak" example of femininity, her suggestion that her husband needed forgiveness at all (after all, who can control when or how you fall in love?), or her stupidity at offering to take him back -- but they all shared in common this anger. And while I was at first taken aback and saddened, I realized that I am angry about forgiveness, too. It is just not fair. It is often not asked for, and it is certainly not deserved. It makes no sense, as these bloggers strongly attested.

But in my heart, I also have to agree with Jenny Sanford -- it is necessary. It is necessary to restore any broken relationships, and to restore one's own heart. In A Grace Disguised, Jerry Sittser talks of his wife's death in a car accident with a drunk driver and comes to the conclusion, "Unforgiveness simply continues the cycle of destruction that begins with the original wrongdoing. Unforgivenss does not stop the pain. It spreads it...It fouls relationships with complaints, bitterness, selfishness, and revenge. Ironically, unforgiveness makes unforgiving people the most miserable people of all, for they more than anyone else must live with the poisonous consequneces of their unforgivess." As much as it is fair, I agree with Sittser -- unforgiveness will not solve the pain. And as much as I hope I never have to be Jenny Sanford, I hope that I could be and can be when I'm hurt. Jenny Sanford says she forgives because God tells her to, and I agree, but I also want to add that he shows us; he forgave us first, although it was costly and unfair.

I'm praying tonight that a few hearts, my own included, might be moved by this story to reconsider forgiveness and to recognize that we need mercy as much as the governor of South Carolina. End of my soapbox. Thanks if you read this far. :)