"We are not our own"

"We are not our own: let not our reason nor our will, therefore, sway our plans and deeds. We are not our own: let us therefore not set it as our goal to seek what is expedient for us according to the flesh. We are not our own: in so far as we can, let us therefore forget ourselves and all that is ours. Conversely, we are God's: let us therefore live for him and die for him. We are God's: let his wisdom and will rule all our actions." --John Calvin

I spend a lot of my time thinking about myself. Whether it is in moments of reflection, in conversation, in the midst of teaching, or as I fall asleep, I have an uncanny ability to draw in all thoughts, actions, details that are not about myself and convert them in my mind so that they suddenly gravitate around me. A friend's schedule wouldn't allow her to hang out tonight? I am instantly reflecting on the ways I wish others would prioritize me more. There is a pile of dishes in the sink? I can feel my own exhaustion suddenly creeping up and think about how much I wish others would serve me and encourage me to rest. My class goes badly? I reflect on all the ways I am a personal failure at work or life and need comfort, mainly in the form of chocolate (and ideally not in the form of a plan to improve things for my students next time; they are not feeling as badly about it as I am). My roommate is sick? I am so thankful because this gives me a great opportunity to feel like I serve others well. (Sorry, Kate.) Someone posts photos to facebook? I realize that I do not have very many photos tagged of me that I did not put up, and determine that this probably means my friends do not like taking pictures of me, which must mean that I am unattractive. There you go. Now that's brutal honesty.

Laid out like that, it's pretty ridiculous. But in reality, it is the life I live in my head, day in and day out, and it is exhausting. In fact, it is much more exhausting a lot of the time than actually buckling down and caring for others, which is generally what I'm trying to avoid doing when I'm thinking about myself. This week my roommate was sick, and it forced me to realize how much I subjugate others' feelings and needs--even as I care for them--to my own agenda, and then see the ugliness of that, and then drive myself into a depressing self-loathing state, which, incidentally, is still focused on me. In the midst of all that, the most restful times of my day were in the evenings reading my Bible and praying, forcing myself to look outside of myself. I'm in the middle of reading through Isaiah and was struck in a new way this week by the intoxicating beauty God's love and pursuit of his sinful people in the midst of their fruitless pursuit of idols.

At the end of the day, my biggest idol is myself. And at the end of the day, my biggest rest from that is looking away from that to who God is, and remembering that I am his and not my own. I am part of this big, beautiful story that I often don't like (it includes washing dishes and caring for sick people and not getting the glory of any of it in the form of facebook photos), but which is so much more rich and full and deep and lovely once I'm in the midst of it than the stories I write and rewrite about myself.

As I end the school year and look forward to a summer of rest, it is tempting to feel that I deserve to write a story for these next few weeks that is all about myself. I am thankful that God consistently reminds me -- in the form of sick roommates, quotes in church bulletins, and the ever-addictive internet -- that the story I want to write is not his plan for me. I am thankful that he is continuing to teach my heart repentance andgive me a new vision for the life that is his and not my own.