Is God Sarcastic?

Confession: I complain. A lot.

This is an ongoing problem but has become more noticeable this fall. Every "how are you doing?" gets answered with a sigh and my litany of pent up frustrations. Granted, I recognize that this is an objectively hard(er) time in my life. It is my first year teaching, and I am consistently overworked and underslept. My dad has cancer, and every day is a step further into an unknown future that does not appear particularly friendly. I've just moved to a new city and am still mourning the loss of old friends. So there are valid reasons to struggle with sadness, and I do not think God disapproves of that. It comforts me that Jesus did not charge forward to his crucifixion with a victorious smile, which is what I feel like many American Christian writers/speakers expect us to do when we suffer. But I know that I can grieve and ache because my Lord did. Jesus expressed agony, and prayed, and wept even as he continued to trust in God's will.

This, unfortunately, is where my comparison of my own attitude and the Lord's needs to stop. This is where I have been convicted. It is not that God is disappointed when I admit that things are hard; it is not that God does not allow me to grieve; but when I move from grief into complaining that I have been forgotten, when I believe that I have to strike out on my own and figure out this world for myself because God is obviously not doing his job, that is when I sin and need to repent.

My roommates and I have recently been discussing the virtue of sarcasm as a tool for reproof. I do pretty poorly at accepting someone's direct rebuke: I either sink into wallowing shame or I lash back out in self-defense. But I can handle being made fun of--in fact, it's often a relief to see immediately how ridiculous I am being, to laugh at my foolishness, and then to turn to my Father in thankfulness that He knows this and still loves me. Kate has perfected this art of rebuke-by-sarcasm to the point where she only needs to utter two words before I know I've been called out. Somehow this is easier to handle on a regular basis than a serious, sit-down conversation, and I feel loved and known at the same point of recognizing that I have gone off track.

Now, granted, I know that those serious, sit-down rebukes are necessary. Our sin is serious, and the Bible is full of God's direct rebukes. But God also speaks in many different ways, and the other night as I was lying in bed complaining to myself (again), suddenly this verse came to mind:

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord, and my cause is disregarded by my God'? Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength." (Isaiah 40: 27-29).

I've heard this verse a number of times but never with a sarcastic tone. But as I heard it in my head, it had that tone. The questions actually made me laugh out loud. "Have you not known? Have you not heard?" Of course, Israel knew. Of course, Jacob had heard. And--the moment of conviction, of course I had, too. God knew they knew, and God knew I knew. And yet he chose to repeat it again, mocking (but gently) because he immediately moves into talking about how he cares for his people ("power to the faint," "increases strength"). He reminds them of how foolish they are being--to act like they have never even heard that he is in control--but then, rather than punishing them (me) for their (my) foolishness, he reminds us all again: this is who I am, in case you have forgotten. This is what I am doing, in case you have never realized it.

I need to remember this frequently: that my little attempts at knowing the divine purpose of something are futile and that I already have all the knowledge I need to move forward. I already know that God is good, sovereign, and has a plan that he will accomplish; I don't need to know the details of that plan to move forward. Tim Keller (a pastor/writer in NYC) said, “Never, never, never think God is not at work because you can’t see it. And never ever, ever, ever think you can figure out what God is doing.” I think I need to post that on my wall, right under the verse from Isaiah 40. I need to remember what I don't know, which eliminates my right to complain. I need to hope in what I can't see, which allows me to move forward in faith even when this world hurts.

So this is what I am trying to do today. I'm writing high school recommendations for my students and feeling mildly inadequate. Who am I, at 23 years old, to be given the authority to speak about their academic progress? How can I hope to prepare them for high school in the way that I'm saying I will prepare them in these letters? What do I know compared to all of the people I'm writing to? Why was I ever given this job in the first place? I don't know, but God does. If I had planned things, they would have turned out differently, but I didn't. I have no idea what God is up to in my life right now, and I often only see the way I am inhibiting the progress of his kingdom. But he knows what he is doing, and he graciously allows me to take part in a work I can't see. So I will continue to write and hope, laugh at myself and repent.

And stop procrastinating and get these recommendations DONE!