morning person?

People always ask if I am a morning person or a night person. Sadly, I think the answer is neither. My problem is that I want desperately to be a morning person. On those rare mornings when I can make myself get up while the light is still soft and the world is just a little quieter, I love the feeling of sipping my coffee in the midst of all the calm and realizing that I have accomplished something (it can be anything--even just answering emails) before 9 am.

I have tried for many years to be a morning person. I set the alarm earlier than I should (given how many hours of sleep the doctors say we need each night) and try to make myself emerge from sleep refreshed and ready to be productive. I plan things for mornings hoping that will jump start my day. For awhile, I tried making myself get up early to pray and read the Bible, since many wonderfully mature and pious people I know do that. But I found that most of my prayers were prayers for more sleep or repentance at my bitterness over being awake before my roommate. I'm not sure it was a wholly worthwhile spiritual exercise.

So now, most days, the norm is hitting my snooze button 3 or 4 times, finally getting out of bed and rushing through the my morning routine, having to eat some kind of breakfast-on-the-go and somehow make my hair look presentable as I rush out the door. The worst part is that, once I emerge into the bright, bustling sunlit world, I realize that the day has started long before me, and so not only do I feel rushed and disorganized but perpetually behind.

This would all be more bearable if I was a night person, and I suppose I am more than many people. First year of college I would probably stay up until 2 or 3 am most nights, but I just can't do that anymore. (And I'm also starting to sound like my mother.) By 11 pm my brain has mostly shut down; by midnight I am more than happy to call it a night. I think what really ruined me was living by myself this summer; I never wanted to arrive home too late (it always creeped me out to enter an empty house anytime past midnight) and so I simply canceled all plans that required me to be out late. Now, if someone invites me to a party that starts at 11, I get a little incredulous. And then they remind me that I'm starting to sound like my mother.

So I'm having a little trouble defining my personhood by times of day. Maybe this just means I need to define my personhood with character traits: like grumpy, or sleep-deprived. But I really do think I have found my perfect time of day, and although I don't get to experience it often, it's worth recording.

I love waking up just as the sun is rising and seeing my dark blue curtains slowly turn from opaque to translucent. I hear just enough noise to remind me that other people are up and starting their day--the creak of the screen door as the nurse upstairs leaves for her shift, a trash truck rumbling by, the dog in the next apartment thumping his tail to show he is ready to walk--but not enough to disturb my moment of peace. I love the feeling of my body sunk into the covers so deeply that I'm sure I will never be able to get out. My first thought is always, "I think this is the most comfortable I have ever been. I cannot imagine any way that I could be more comfortable." I don't want to move--not an inch, not even twitch my toe--because I know this cannot last forever. I am incredibly thankful in that moment that I have a bed, a house, blankets, heat, and I am reminded to pray prayers of gratitude for my own blessings and prayers for mercy for those who won't have quite as pleasant a wake-up. I begin to slowly ease the covers off my shoulders (and start to feel a little chill) then down to my knees (and still getting chillier) and finally, after lying there for a moment shivering, I swing my legs around and off the bed and hoist myself into a sitting position, bracing myself for the day.

And then, I look at my alarm clock, and realize that, miraculously, I have woken up an hour early and get to go back to bed and relive it all again. And that, I do believe, is my favorite time of day.