Controlling vs.Trusting?

I loved calculus in high school. I think I found it so satisfying because I could always figure out the right answer, and guarantee that it was the right answer. If I knew "a" and I knew "b" then I could determine "c"--and then I was done. No editing, no guessing, no evaluating the morality or sustainability of "c." It is true, and always will be true, because I used the correct formula.

The problem is that calculus, however satisfying, is not life, but I often try to make it that way. I think that with enough planning, soul-searching, evaluating, and analyzing I can find my "a" and "b," put them in the right order, and then guarantee "c." I realized the futility of this years ago when I started describing to a friend how I like to plan conversations. Eventually, he just looked at me and said, "But does the other person ever say what you expect?" It's funny now, but at the time I think my most honest initial reaction was, "No, but that's because I just don't think about it enough beforehand!" My problem wasn't that I can't predict another person's response; it was that I just hadn't put enough effort into trying.

I know now that this is ridiculous, and yet I often find myself still trying to find that perfect formula that will eliminate all confusion and pain. I recently realized how much I do it in the area of discipline; I believe that if I can just figure out my sins, and eliminate them (on my own, of course), then God will not have to discipline me. To be fair, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I had an older woman tell me once, "The only reason you're still single is because you haven't yet learned to be content with God. As soon as you are, then He will send you a husband." First of all, as much as I'd love to be married someday, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the notion of assuming all singleness is God's discipline, even though it can certainly be used that way. Secondly, I'm quite convinced that not everyone who is married--including that woman--have found perfect contentment with God. :) But I think that it is fairly common to assume that we can somehow "work the system." As my pastor's wife reminded me recently, though, we will never be sinless enough to not need discipline, so if that's the only reason to pursue righteousness, we might as well give up right now!

On a more serious note, I feel especially frightened sometimes when I wonder if different events in my life are God preparing me for some future suffering. These are the worst to avoid, because I find myself actually wanting to avoid ways God is teaching and growing me to depend more on Him, out of fear that once I depend on Him He will suddenly test me by taking away people I love. (As though God worked that way and were out to get me.) The root problem, I am realizing, is that I do not like to trust God. I want to control Him. I think that I am more safe in my own embarrassingly crazy formulas than I am in His arms. I forget that His arms are truly good, sovereign arms that belong to a Father who loves me.

I had a good conversation with my friend Jennifer this week that brought all of this up in my mind. Jennifer is a missionary in Romania, and in the past year has seen more than her share of suffering and death. As we talked, my heart just hurt for her, because it has seemed like tragedy is ready to meet her around every corner. She confessed that it briefly occurred to her that God could be preparing her for even more tragedy in the future. But then she said, "But I had to stop myself, and realize that I can never know or predict that. What I can know is that, even if I feel like I could never handle that now, God will provide me with exactly what I need when I need it." Her response reminded me of I Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can stand up under it." I have always heard and thought about this verse in regards to bodily temptations (earlier in the passage, Paul mentions sexual temptation so that may be why), but I looked and saw that in the broader context of this chapter, Paul is actually discussing idolatry. He specifically mentions the Israelites who crossed the Red Sea with Moses but did not trust God, and therefore committed themselves to idols. I know that my heart is so easily like theirs; I see the desert, and I assume God has forgotten me, and I cling to my pathetic idols of control, intelligence, watchfulness that I think will save me. The truth is, though, that these idols will destroy me, but God promises everything I need. He doesn't promise safety; Jennifer may still experience more tragedy (although we pray not), and the Israelites were still in the desert. But He will provide the way for us to stand up under it.